I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
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‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.