I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
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I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.