A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
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If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
I’m dying louder than usual today.
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.