I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
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I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
My last name is Zilla.
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.