I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
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can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
Watermelon Boss!
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote