me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
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DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.