If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
You Might Also Like
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
Are we there yet?…
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”