help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
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her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
The Wolf of Wall Street.
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.