Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
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Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
I am also baked goods
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw