Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
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Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song