I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
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Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*