I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
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When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
Sticker placement is key.
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
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