I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
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Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
That’s what I call a flat tire
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
Not messing around
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like: