I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
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I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.