@KenJennings: I don't really like the idea that James Franco might be in my grandkids' history textbooks.
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@shkeeber: Dude, why did you buy Grand Theft Auto 5? I mean, honestly, you live in Detroit. You could've just gone outside and saved yourself $50.
@AHundredElbows: Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
@stevevsninjas: Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card? Cashier: ok Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
@amhw: Coffee: Because when you're groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.