Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
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[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
My wife has the worst taste in men.
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible