I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
You Might Also Like
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won鈥檛 share
– don鈥檛 like baths
– bitey
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 馃憥鈿狅笍 #FallonTonight
I hacked into my wife鈥檚 computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn鈥檛 planned this. He didn鈥檛 have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I鈥檓 gonna have diarrhea all day.