I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
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I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.