I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
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Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
Time for evil
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
cats when you pet them too long:
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.