I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
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*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…