I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
You Might Also Like
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
Spring of Deception
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up