I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
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I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
WHY?!
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.