Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
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A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
The devil.
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed