I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
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Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
fly smarter, not harder
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.