@meganamram: I don't remember anything about being born, I must have been WASTED
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@jonnysun: ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
@CVTBaby: You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you're eating -- you ALWAYS spill something on it? It's cuz you're a pig.
@AndyAsAdjective: [team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West] COACH: you idiots *melts*
@batkaren: HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception? [at the same time] ME: Murder-suicide HIM: The chicken dance!