I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
You Might Also Like
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.