It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
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me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
your honor my client chooses dare
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing