Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
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It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
let’s discuss
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.