Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
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The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory