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I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
i guess his teacher was really pissed
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.