@forbidd13909361: I don't see enough dead people.
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@mister_blank: [at an umpire's funeral] me: i'm so sorry. how did he die? mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
@AlexRogaski: The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
@someniceflowers: "my son, can I ask why you're carrying two HUGE crucifixes?" Well father, I've been... Double-crossed *God starts breakdancing*