“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
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Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours