I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
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Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
The three genders
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.