I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
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Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.