i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
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Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip