I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
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I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
he’s doing your taxes
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation