Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
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I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
#NoRestForTheWicked
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem