@nPhelendriqal: I don't smoke to be cool, I smoke so no one asks me to hold their baby.
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@Manali_Shetye5: Mom: can i borrow your laptop? Me: *deletes history* Me: *logs out of twitter* Me: *closes chrome* Me: *opens internet explorer* Me: sure
@Book_Krazy: Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking? Me: No B: Tell me our company policy M: Lol, I can't even do that when I'm sober
@tonsmorecowbell: Somewhere in Africa, a bunch of orphans are about to be running around in confederate flag shirts.
@lilgapeach30: I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent. Might not kill him but he'll never have any friends.