Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
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Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it