Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
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My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
Netflix and you sit over there.
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me