Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
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Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
is this a threat
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
Best seat on the street 😍
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.