I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
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product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
Thanks to a fan for this one!
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
me linking you to my twitter
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.