@ElgatoEsmio: i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
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@trevso_electric: If you receive a text from Liam Neeson that says "LMAO," it stands for "let's murder Albanians overseas" and he wants his daughter back.
@Snarfernini: Brain: HEY 2am let's think about Greg Me: Ok Brain: He saw you scratching your nose today & thinks you picked it Me: Wa...what? Brain: Owned
@Parentpains: My wife said she wished she never woke up this morning. Turns out we do have something in common.
@jtrulez: Oh LinkedIn, what juicy tidbits do you have for me today? *raises monocle* Stanley added a skill?! HAHA! That is most delightful! *sips tea*