i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
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School be like
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
*puts my mental health in rice
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano