@ElgatoEsmio: i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
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@JimmerThatisAll: I don't know why these Jehovah's Witnesses won't give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
@5hael: [David Attenborough narrating my life] Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
@prontopup: "'Earth' without 'the' is just 'ar'." - Pirates If you haven't seen "Earth without art is just eh" then you prolly didn't like this tweet.
@rolldiggity: Whenever someone on a plane reclines their seat into you, pull them back even further and whisper in their ear, "Keep going."