I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
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Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
There is wisdom there.
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations