@robdelaney: I don’t “take” weed because weed “took” my best friend & trapeze partner Corton from me when we were 17. #ImissYouBrother #SwingWithJesus
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@Mr_Kapowski: I'm that guy who plays Pictionary and draws the shittiest representation of the clue and spends the entire time circling it at various speed
@BBQJones28: When someone favorites instead of retweeting me I comfort myself by thinking "they're just keeping me to themselves"
@JennyJohnsonHi5: No matter how adorable you think your young son is, it's best you not refer to him as a "lady killer", it might end up being true.