@robdelaney: I don’t “take” weed because weed “took” my best friend & trapeze partner Corton from me when we were 17. #ImissYouBrother #SwingWithJesus
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@krisv_723: *on phone Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright. NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am. Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
@OhNoSheTwitnt: 50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
@david8hughes: [at the aquarium] Son [pointing at a large tank]: daddy what's that Me: tank Son: no what lives in the tank Me: water