*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
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Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
Shark week, but for squirrels.
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.