I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
You Might Also Like
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
What my back needs
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
I sexually identify as a hand grenade