I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
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You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
There’s no “us” in nachos.
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.