I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
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In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.