Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
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Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
The two types of wives
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent