I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
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I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
When does CPR become necrophilia?
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
Only Americans understand
Kids forever killing vibes 💀