I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
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Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you