I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
You Might Also Like
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
Where’s my employee discount too?
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright