“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
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“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.